Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Boiling and don't know why.

Well, it's been one of those days.  Started out great and now I'm on the opposite end..  How can I turn so quickly.  I'm thinking this blog is becoming more of a very personal journal because some deep stuff is going to come out.  Not sure I'm ready for that and I don't think some of you will be either.  So, had a great day.  Went to Costco with the boys, made it home by noon and all was good.  Come 4:00 I always start to stress.  I'm  not sure if it's because all 3 kids are going to be home and chaos happens immediately.  Not sure if it's because my husband is still sleeping (he works nights).  Once we are all home everything blows up.  I've got stuff to do, Maylea has homework, Gentry wants a piece of gum, and River wants to eat.  I want to know why the smallest of things makes my blood boil and I can't control it.  I love my kids, but sometimes I want to squeeze them so hard ( I really don't do this, so don't think you have to start calling DHS).  Why can't I keep myself under control.  I think I get it from my mom.  When I was a kid she would blow up and we'd have to walk on egg shells most days.  I don't want to be that kind of mom.  I want to be patient and most of all loving.  I want my kids to know I love them, every second of every day.  It seems so simple of a task, but yet it isn't achievable for me.  I blow up, I scream.  It's a rage I cannot control.  So by saying all of this, leads me to asking can Project: BTWG start any sooner?  I'm looking at this project to changing my life.  This isn't all about my physical appearance anymore, it's about me being whole.  I'm guessing it's the meditation that does it.  I don't meditate.  I've been reading Chris's blogs about his 365 day challenge and I know I couldn't do it.  How can you sit and do nothing?  Being a mom of 3 and a wife there's no way.  I can list a page full of things I need to do right now.  Dinner needs to be put away, dishes need to be unloaded out of the dishwasher and the dirty ones need to be put in it.  I need to work on Maylea's scrapbook that I'm already a year behind on.  I'd really like to shower and get to bed before midnight.  Meditate?  Come on! 
I'm counting down the days for us to begin and my transformation to start.  But my real question is:  Can I really change inside?

7 comments:

  1. My dear friend, as I sat here and read this post I found tears streaming down my cheeks. Why you ask? Because I could have written this. This IS me. I think you're such a brave, brave woman for taking this on. You're always in my prayers.

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  2. I'm not sure if you were at church on Sunday, Sunny, but Pastor Steve did a great job reminding us where change really comes from. Look to Him and ask Him for help. We won't always get the solution quickly or the answer we want to our prayers, but at least you'll know that you're doing it His way. Waaaaaaaay easier said than done, I know. I, too, am that mom, wife, and woman more than I care to admit. That is part of the reason I am on this journey too. I have to ask God to help me get through my crazy, hectic life everyday or I wouldn't make it without going crazy. I believe that BTWG is not only going to get our bodies in order, but it is going to give us the tools we need to change things on the inside as well. To me, the meditation is going to be the hardest part - by far. Chris has challenged me many times to do it over the years and I seriously can't get past about 20 sec! I don't know how to turn off. But I pray that when I do figure it out, I will hear a lot more of Him in the silence! Love you, friend & I'm so glad you're on this wild ride with me!

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  3. You are so brave Sunny. You can change this you have already made the first step towards it. It is so hard to be everything to everybody, but danielle is right look to God and pray for change and it will come. It might not be on your time but God is never early and he is never late his timing is perfect. You can do this!

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  4. Sunny, you are SO not alone! I always feel guilty when I try to take some time for myself....I'm coming to realize though, that the more relaxed/renewed I am the better I am for my family. So happy to be on this journey with you as it sounds like we struggle alot with the same issues!

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  5. Sunny, your honesty is appreciated and I hope you are seeing that you are not alone! I too struggle with some of these very same things. I think you should be so proud of yourself for taking this step to a "better" you even though we all think you are great already!

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  6. Sunny, you have all my admiration for what you do. Being a full time mom is killer, although wonderful in its own way I'm sure. I stayed home with my first born for 6 months and about went insane. It's a hard job, harder than any other I've had. I get angry and scream sometimes too. I bet the added stress of your husband trying to sleep/get enough rest and pulling the whole family together does get overwhelming. I like Danielle's advice, too. I've struggled with anger/depression most of my life and had a very similar mother it seems. Not that you ever have to take my route, but I went to a wonderful Christian counselor in Brownsburg if ever interested. He gave me a lot of good tools. From everyone's response, I think we're all proud of you for talking honestly about something we've all experienced and we're all there alongside of you.

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  7. Sunny, you are loved. your kids love you, your husband loves you & you are appreciated. They do appreciate all that you do for them, they just have not learned how to tell you this...you lose it, because you do not feel this from them, you lose it, because you do not feel it from yourself. when you begin to take the steps to put aside 5 minutes and then 10 minutes to meditate, you will begin to see how honoring yourself will honor everyone in your life....I speak from a place that I know what you are talking about...I speak from a place of not mastering this myself. We all experience these feelings at some point....once we begin how to take care of ourselves, everything else falls into place :) thank you for sharing

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